


The Shower

by Wierdowithagun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alchohol references, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward Scenarios, Bickering, Bridal Shower, Character based sexism, Cigarettes, Devious children, Flaming Homosexuality, Floor-cake, Gay marraige, Gen, HidaDei, HidaIta, Hidan doing funny shit, Humor, M/M, Sexual innuendos, Swearing, They're just friends., Violence, drug references, not really - Freeform, shenannigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdowithagun/pseuds/Wierdowithagun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If he didn't want trouble he shouldn't have invited it." </p>
<p>Humorous Crack fiction-type thing, probably not what you expect. >:)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shower

"You look sexy."

"Shut up. I can't believe you talked me into this."

"Hida, seriously, you clean up good."

"Tch, you look better."

I paused, letting the disgust show on my face, maybe even emphasizing it a little bit.

"Jashin's nuts I'm turning into a woman already..."

Itachi laughed and patted my shoulder. The bastard. He always looked good. Like,  _always._  It really wasn't fair, having a best friend that made you feel so dull and ordinary. He complimented me all the time, a lot of people did, but I didn't  _feel_  like I looked good. And the few times when I did, I usually somehow managed to catch a glimpse of myself that reminded me that No, no you do not. High standards? Maybe, but it's not like I could change the way I am.

"Sign the register, and then write Dei and Sasori a wish and put it on the tree. Then go sit down."

"Write them a wish, and put it on the tree... Is that really what you just said? They have a  _wish_  tree?"

Itachi gestured over to a table overflowing with gifts, all of them wrapped in fancy and feminine designs of black and white and complemented by hot pink ribbons and bows. I felt my eyebrows involuntarily arch as I spotted the small metal 'tree', with hot pink little blank tags spread all around the base.

"Just say you wish them fulfillment in the rest of their lives together, or you hope to see them in eighty years, still madly in love."

I gagged, then growled when a not-so-delicate-even-though-it-looked-that-way hand curled up and slammed itself into my shoulder.

"You promised me you would be good, Hida. Jashinists never break their word remember?"

"Unfortunately.." I mumbled, stepping to the disgusting table. I was going to have to shower for  _days_  to get the cute and girly residue off me from this party.

Deidara and Sasori were getting married. I could safely say they were pretty close friends, seeing as I really didn't have any. Itachi was my best friend, and unfortunately he was also Deidara's. He was 'Maid of honor', and therefor Dei's personal assistant in anything wedding related. This also apparently meant that he was at Dei's beckon call twenty-four seven. I could tolerate it at first, like really, I'm happy for them, seriously. But damn if it wasn't past annoying already, even Itachi was tired of the barbies constant requests and demands for perfection.

_'That ribbon has the wrong texture.'_

_'I asked for burnt umber, not burnt amber!'_

_'That's not hot pink, that's fluorescent pink! I don't want my guests eyes to explode!'_

What the hell is umber anyway? Kakuzu and I's wedding had been so perfect and simple. No parties, no receptions, no 'bridal showers'. We just put on nice clothes, went to the courthouse, said a few vows, I shoved the ring that was a size too small because he got it at a pawn shop for half price onto my finger and it was over.

Maybe he was a bit embarrassed, I think. But he's mine forever now, I don't care how it happened, as long as it did. But, I'm getting off track.

"Where's the register?"

"Right there."

"This piece of notebook paper? No twenty dollar, scented, velvet lined bullshit?"

"Just sign it and go sit down Hidan."

"But I don't know anyone else here!"

"Are you whining?"

"No... Can I at least bum a cig from you?"

"Uh, no."

"WHAT?! Why the hell not?"

"Because I can't have one, so neither can you.'

"Oh for fuck's sake..."

Someone else came through the door, pinging the little bell and I nearly tripped as I turned to get away from Itachi's sickly sweet greetings to even more people I didn't know. Looking around, I heard myself sigh loudly, No one was staring at me, or everyone was, I really couldn't tell. I didn't look because I didn't want to meet anyone's eyes and see that disapproving glare. Such things piss me off, and when I'm pissed, I misbehave, which I promised I wouldn't do.

I spotted an empty table. God, it was like High School again, sitting down alone, away from everyone else to eat my lunch, which actually attracted even more attention to me for the fact that I was sitting there alone and no one knew who the hell I was.

That's me, the immortal albino loner that everyone was scared of.

This is the boring part. I sit here trying not to let everyone know how fucking uncomfortable I am. Alone, at this big table, while everyone chats and gossips around me. I throw a desperate glance Itachi's way, but he's still busy greeting people. Damn him and his loyalty. I'm a possessive person, so what? I admit it easily enough. My shit is mine, and no one else's. I don't fucking like it when people use my phone, I don't fucking like sharing drinks, and I don't like sharing my goddamn friends. Or 'friend' more like.

But Itachi, poor guy, everyone loves him. He gets yanked around all the time, someone is always asking him to do stuff with them, usually me. He never gets a break.

Tch, wouldn't happen if he'd just be mine.

Not like that fuckers, I'm married.

Soo I look around the room, it's pretty bland, surprisingly, not too many decorations. There's these weird frilly things stuck to the corners of the tables, pink, of course. Black tablecloths, flowers, some sparkly confetti shit scattered around. And there was the refreshments table.

I glared at it, as if it were the tables fault. There was iced tea and punch, with a girly cake and some assorted nuts and candies. No alcohol.

Jashin, just kill me now.

Why,  _why_  did I have to be completely sober? I can control myself! I don't wanna be blitzed, just comfortable.

My gaze roamed around the room, there were a couple kids running around... actually quite a few of them were here. I looked away before I glared at them too, that's probably why there wasn't an open bar. Stupid children. Ugh...

"Hidan!"

My eyes flicked over to find the blonde himself, decked out in some man-dress thing. I almost slapped myself when I felt my face go slack. Damn it all if he wasn't... pretty. He actually had his bangs pinned up out of his face, and his outfit hugged him in all the right spots. I wasn't surprised, the flamers always know how to get your attention.

"You came! I really didn't think you would, hm. I'm glad though!"

"I almost didn't. I don't know why you invited me, Kakuzu won't get off my ass about being 'one of the girls' now."

"We worked hard on those invitations. Be grateful for once hm?"

I snorted at his hurt expression, and leaned back in my seat. "I don't know anyone."

"...Huh, I didn't think about that. Must be awkward yeah?"

"As hell. Make Itachi come sit with me."

The blondes face grew dark, and I swallowed hard as he leaned forward, eyes narrowed.

"Listen here albino fucker, I need him. This is an important part of my life that I won't ever get to redo, yeah? This is not about you, this is not about your bff crush on him, it's about me. So don't get any stupid fucking ideas hm?"

He leaned back, not a trace of the menace he had showed just a second previous on the smile plastered on his face. "Enjoy the party hm?"

He whirled around and walked away, shaking his ass like he'd just become the Queen of Earth.

"Enjoy the party, HMMM!" I mocked in falsetto "Fuck you..."

I stood up abruptly, making the chair clatter into another behind me, a few people looked, and I just made faces at them. Barbie didn't want me to get ideas? Fine, the only  _idea_  I'd had was to be nice and polite and cause as little trouble as possible, but if he was going to be a little bitch after I'd spent a painful 2 hours getting my stupid eyebrows plucked, my face exfoliated, my hair cut and styled, and my fucking fingernails cleaned by his request, for a stupid shitty party that was full of old people and children I don't fucking know, that's fucking fine. I mean, what the hell? Why the fuck do I have to look good when there's no one worth impressing?

Itachi glared as I crossed the suddenly silent room to get some punch. These people must attend classes on making others feel like turds among treasure. "Bunch of blonde idiots.." I muttered, halfway trying to be quiet, halfway wanting them to hear.

I poured myself a ridiculously tiny cup of punch, took a sip, and slapped my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't spit it all over the table. It was citrus, Jashin above I hate citrus. Oranges, lemons, fucking grapefruit, all that shit. And I swear to Jashin's nut-sack that that's exactly what was in this punch.

I peeked behind me, nearly the entire room was staring at me as I held my hand across the lower portion of my face. It was pretty obvious that I wanted to spit it out, and why I didn't, I really don't know, maybe because a certain dark haired best friend was over at the other corner of the room with his sharingan boring holes into my soul.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, and swallowed. Managing to keep the gag that followed relatively quiet, and a few conversations seemed to come back to life.

I'm not a self-centered person, well, not always at least. But damn it all if this entire fucking situation wasn't meant specifically to torture me. That fucking princess may as well have set everything up thinking, 'How can I send Hidan home crying at the end of this?'

I looked desperatley around for the bathroom, I could still taste that disgusting excuse for a beverage on the back of my tongue. There were a few doors, but I'd be fucked if I accidentally wandered into a closet. I wasn't stupid enough to think that just because people were back to talking among themselves, they weren't still keeping me in the edge of their vision.

Bastards.

The pitcher of tea caught my eye. I would bet my left ass cheek that it was unsweetened, and I had to put a shitload of sugar into tea before I could drink it. I felt my shoulders twitch in a shrug and reached for another cup. It couldn't possibly be as bad as the punch.

_"Don't."_

I jumped, sending the cup flying from my hand, bouncing off the wall, and finally clunking down to the floor. Again the conversation ceased.

"What the fuck Red eyes?" I grumbled, reaching for another.

"It's lemon tea."

I slapped the cup down harder than necessary onto the table, pursing my lips to keep from swearing up a storm. "Where's the goddamn bathroom."

"Through that middle doorway, to the right and down the hall. Men's is on the left."

"Men's is on the left. Really? I thought I was looking for the little ladies tinkle factory."

"Hidan..."

"Yeah, yeah, I promised to be good. I fuckin' know."

"Will you just relax?"

"Will you give me a cigarette?"

"No."

"Then fuck you."

I turned and trudged off before he could say any more. Yea, maybe I was being selfish. I was being that one guest that everyone always hoped in the back of their mind didn't show, but always did. I was the one people would tell their spouses about when they went home, about how I ruined the fun for everyone.

This is sober Hidan. Dei wanted it, he got it. It's not my fault that I'm not prince fucking charming. It's his fault for even expecting it.

There were more kids playing in the hallway. And apparently they weren't shy. Probably why they were sent to play out here in the first place.

"What's your naaame?" A little girl asks, and I clench my fists, longingly eyeing the bathroom door, begging it to come to me.

"None of your business." I growled, sidestepping a drooling toddler who reached out with grimy hands.

"Why is, um, your hair look like my grampa's?"

I turned around to glare at her, persistent little fuck.

"Because when I was a child I asked too many questions."

"You have pretty eyes!" She said, her own widening in admiration. She reached up and grabbed my hand before I could pull it away. "Why aren't you in with the grownups?"

I grimaced and tried to pull my hand away, she only grabbed it with the other. "They don't like me." I said, turning to take a step. If she wanted to hold on, fine, But I would NOT be held responsible for anything she saw in the bathroom if she didn't let go.

" _I_  like you. You're pretty."

I stopped in my tracks, thinking over this statement. I was getting hit on by a fucking 6 year old, could this night get any more awkward.

Sighing, I turned to her. "Thank you. " Really though, it was nice that  _someone_  fucking noticed my effort. Other than Itachi, he didn't count, he's the one who made me do it. "I have to go to the bathroom though."

"Will you play with us when you come back?"

"Hell no!" I said without thinking, then cleared my throat.  _She's a little kid Hidan.._  Itachi's voice rang in my head.  _Humor her and she'll leave you alone._

"I can't..." I said as softly as I could manage. "I have to go back in with the grownups."

"But they don't like you."

"Yea, But I promised I'd be good."

She stuck her lip out, and Jashin spare me, but if it wasn't the cutest fuckin' thing.

"I did too. That's why Mommy sent me out here. Guess I wasn't good enough."

"Well.." I smirked. "Tell your mommy she's a bitch."

Her mouth dropped open and her eyes went wide before she slapped both hands over her mouth and ran off to tell her friends what I said. I rolled my eyes to keep myself from smiling, Praying silently that no one had seen that fucking estrogen-heavy moment.

I rinsed that disgusting taste off my toungue, did my business, dawdled a bit, and considered just looking for a back exit to get the fuck outta here. I frowned at my reflection, that Uchiha fucker would be pissed to all hell. He was kinda selfish like me, if he had to suffer through it, so did I. Which is why he wouldn't give me a  _fucking cigarette!_

I wet my hands and slicked my hair back. I don't care if it was 'sexy' when it fell in my face, it was fucking annoying. I hope that stupid hair stylist didn't think I was kidding when I told him He'd better hope to go he never ran into me on the street.

It would just fall back once it dried, of course, but at least it was a bit of a relief for now. I was so far out of my comfort zone at this place, it wasn't even fucking funny.

Finally, gathering my resolve, I headed back to the sorry excuse for a party, managing to slip past the banished children. Dei was sitting up at the head of the room, with everyone facing him, all their phones and cameras out. I snuck in behind everyone else and stole a chair, then made a spot for myself at the back of the room. Itachi could fuck himself if he wanted me to go back and sit at that empty table by myself.

And as always, as if he could read my mind, he popped up beside me again, this time with a plate.

"What took you so long?" He extended it out to me and I frowned at it for a moment before reluctantly taking it from him. There was the smallest slice of cake in all of history on it, along with some of the assorted nuts and candies. And a fucking pepto-bismol colored fork.

"Stupid kids wouldn't leave me alone."

"Ah.. That would explain.."

"Explain what?"

"Why Deidara's niece called her mother a bitch."

I tried really hard to hold my laughter in, and that only made it worse. The snort that came out instead made the entire back half of the crowd turn to look at me. I don't blame them for that one, sounded like a cross between a pig and a donkey.

"Dei's pissed at you. And a little bit at me too."

"Tch, tell him to shove it up his ass, you didn't do anything."

"Apparently I'm supposed to babysit you and still somehow be his servant at the same time..."

"Why did he even want me to come?"

"Because you're his friend, believe it or not. "

"He shoulda seen this coming."

"It's Deidara, Hidan. And also he was pretty focused on all this. Just mind your manners okay? I'll let that one go."

I made an X across my heart and smiled sarcastically at him, then picked up my fork. At least there was cake, I could work with cake. Looked pretty good too... 'looked' being the key word. That piece hit my mouth and I was almost in pain with how much my face contorted at that awful taste. I mean really, it takes a special fucking kind of person to make  _cake_  taste bad.

I didn't have time to stop myself, and I watched almost in slow motion as the slimy wad left my mouth and sailed across the room. Thank Jashin everyone was facing the opposite direction, everyone except Deidara, who stopped in the middle of his present-opening speech to stare at the chunk of half-chewed food spiraling to the ground.

I felt myself panic and I choked back a swear as I dove with the napkin Itachi so graciously handed me with a roll of his eyes. Heads were just beginning to turn and I clenched my teeth. I was so close, my hand outstretched was just short when it hit the ground. And with a heart pounding a million miles an hour and my head throbbing at the image of being chased down the street with large scale explosives exploding at my heels I scooted myself forward sea-lion style, snatched up the cake and stuffed it in my mouth, then rolled onto my side and propped my head up with my soiled hand to hide the remaining mess on the carpet.

The heads in the crowd finally finished their extreme slow motion turns and eyes landed on me, and I gave them a close lipped smile, ignoring the dramatic opera music finale in my head.

They didn't stop staring, and Deidara's expression was about to fucking set me on fire where I lay, seriously. So, trying desperately to hide my disgust, I swallowed the floor-cake and cleared my throat.

"Sorry, I have back problems sometimes. Age huh? Ged-oudda-heeeea! Know what I mean?"

A few heads turned back around, and the blonde had busied himself unwrapping more presents, the quick, jerky movements of his hands failing to hide his rage.

"Hidan, get up..." Itachi's voice came from behind and above me.

My smile disappeared at the few people who hadn't turned back around to whisper insults about me to each other. I was vaguely aware of pixy-like laughter coming over from the doorway that led to banished-child-land.

 _"Get.. Up.. Now..."_ Itachi's voice growled over me.

I pushed myself up from the floor, lifting my arm to look at the smear of frosting on my rented suit. Damn, Kakuzu wasn't going to be happy about that.

"Son of a dirty whore..." I muttered as Itachi grabbed my arm and squeezed his perfectly manicured nails into me. He jerked me backward away from the crowd and to the very back of the rectangular room, behind the conference tables. After nearly throwing me down into a chair I glared up to him and smoothed my hair back, the stupid water was drying and it was falling down all over the place.

"Really? Eating cake off the floor?"

"I didn't know what the hell else to do! Seriously!"

"How about not spitting it out in the first fucking place!"

"How about not giving me cake made from ass-flakes and tit-dirt!"

"HIDAN!" He growled so fiercely that I actually jumped. "Look, I'm not all that happy about this either but I swear to your stupid fucking God that if I witness you screwing this up one more time I'm going to pluck your eyeballs out of your head and flush them down the dirtiest toilet in history."

I stared at him in mock horror, but as I probably should have expected my attitude didn't help the matter. If he could set me on fire with those eyes and not gotten in trouble for ruining the party, he would have. Seriously.

"Stay. Here." He said slowly, as if I was some retarded kid. "Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Just don't even breathe okay?"

With that he wheeled around and stalked back over to a glaring Deidara. The blonde gave him some sort of hushed tongue lashing and I sat there seething as my best friend plopped down to a table next to the 'Princess' and started what I would assume was writing down the gifts and who got them, probably in fucking alphabetical order.

Resting my elbows on the table and propping up my head, I watched with an un-hidden amount of disinterest. Flush my eyeballs down a toilet? _Really_?

Deidara got some sort of fancy-ass cookware that can probably only make some tiny little finger food despite how big and bulky it looked, and his next present was a set of pots and pans and skillets, and I felt my face twist in a grimace.

Jashin, even in a marriage between two men society still had to try and slap it's stupid form of normalcy onto it. Like one had to do the cooking and cleaning and the other went to work and paid the bills. That blonde idiot probably embraced the shit out of it too, if he could pull a baby out his ass he'd probably be the happiest fucker alive.

Tch, I didn't cook. I only cleaned when my life was at stake... Okay so I cleaned a lot. But only because Kakuzu is a fucking perfectionist. I mean who fucking cares if there a few liters of blood on the carpet, or if there's a face imprint in the wall, or the dismembered remains of Jashins latest victim scattered about the kitchen like a freak science experiment.

Damn, some people just need to take a goddamn chill pill.

Suddenly my head slammed into the table and I jerked so violently that I fell out of my chair. Thank Jashin the tables had long-ass tablecloths on them so the people that I knew damn well were staring back in my direction couldn't see me there sprawled out on the floor.

 _Probably just killed himself. At least he'll be quiet._  Itachi's voice said in my mind. I knew that was exactly what he was thinking, either that or plotting how to kill me in the worst way.

I decided to humor him and stayed back here, laying my head onto the un-insulated carpet and staring up at the ceiling. Apparently I'd fallen asleep without realizing it. Funny how that could fucking happen huh? Maybe if stupid blonde bitches wouldn't label stupid shit that isn't a party as a fucking party, a certain albino Jashinist wouldn't show up to wreck the fuck out of it.

I sighed and closed my eyes, then almost screamed when I opened them to find the face of a little girl half an inch from mine. Without thinking I shoved her back, she landed on her butt and looked at me as if I hadn't just probably hurt her. Dumb fragile kids.

"The fuck are you doing?" I yell-whispered at her.

"I thought you was hurt!" She snapped back in the same quiet shout. "I seen him give you timeout and you fell and hit your head and didn't get back up!"

I stared at her for a few seconds, it's really sad when a little girl was the only person who cared whether you lived or died. Especially when you still didn't know her name.

"Adults don't fucking get time-out. "

"Well that's what it looked like to me." She crossed her arms and looked at me like I was the dumbest fucker she'd ever seen.

"Shut up. Go play with the other kids."

"I don't know any of them. They're all stupid kids anyway."

'So? Go make friends with them and have a fucking tea party."

"You owe me three quarters. And why should I, you're not playing with the other grown-ups."

I opened my mouth to ask her what the hell she meant by quarters but she interrupted me by grabbing me hand and sticking that damn lips out.

"Why can't I play with you."

_Because you're a little girl and I'm a grown-ass man. Because that sentence sounds sexual in my mind and, again, you're a little girl. Because whoever your mother is would grind my balls into dust for being a bad influence. And just because I don't fucking want to._

"Because, I'll just get you in trouble."

"But you're funny!"

"Hey! I keep embarrassing the fuck out of myself okay? It's not fucking funny. Go the hell away I don't wanna play with you!"

"That's three more quarters."

"And Shut up about this quarter bullshit!"

"Seven."

"Oh for the love of Jashin!" I started to get up when I heard angry whispering back not far from where I was hiding. It sounded like Dei, he was mad about something. Sasori's mother didn't show, it sounded like.

Boo-fucking-hoo. Mommy-in-law don't like your blonde ass, Neither do I right now.

"What's your name?" The little girl said, and I sat back down because as annoying as she was, I much preferred her than Queen Bitch.

"You already asked that earlier."

"You never told me."

"Exactly."

"Why, um.. Why is your hair-"

"Look like your grampa's, yeah you asked that too."

"Well why does it?"

"I don't fucking know! Why is your hair brown?"

"'Cos' I like brown hair."

Well, doesn't  _she_  have all the answers? "It's the color of shit."

She giggled and shook her head. "Well If it wasn't brown it would be like mommy's and her is the color of.." She leaned in close and mouthed the word 'potty' and then giggled some more. I felt myself almost smile too, but resisted it. Fucking kids, don't know shit.

"Piss?" I said just to get her to laugh more, despite myself. It worked, and I turned around to peek over the table. Everyone was back on the other side of the room. Itachi was sitting there next to Dei with a 'Kill me NOW' expression. I sneered at him when our eyes met, and he only sent a warning glare back.

I flipped back around and looked at the clock, It was only 3:10. For fucks sake, I'd just gotten here at two, it felt like it had been hours! This thing didn't officially end until 4, dammit. It's not like I couldn't leave early, but I'd just be walking around town like a weirdo seeing as Kakuzu had the house on lock down until 4, stupid old miser, needs his 'No-Hidan time'. He loves the fuck out of me, and he just needs to admit it.

Itachi was here, which meant if I went to his house I'd either be alone with his freaking swarm of tiny ankle biting dogs or I'd have to chill with Kisame, which would be awkward as fuck. And there was no way I was going to go chill with that stoner-puppet when his bridezilla was here thinking I should be too.

"Hidan?"

I looked down to raise a brow at the girl. "I never told you my name."

"I know. I heard Aunt Dei talk about you bunches. "

"If you knew who I was why the fuck did you ask?"

"It's polite."

"Whatever."

The little girl was silent for awhile as I peeked back over the table, I wanted a goddamn cigarette. Did that red-eye fucker not get breaks? God damn blonde slave driver.

"There's a fire-out-can over there..." The little girl said absently, and I twisted to look at it. A red fire extinguisher sat on top of an end table in the corner.

"Do you know how to do it?"

"Do what?"

"How to kill fires?"

"Tch, I'm usually the one on fire.."

She giggled again and shifted, twiddling her fingers. She wanted to play with it, I realized. No, she wanted  _me_  to play with it.

"Mommy says it's always good to have one around Aunt Deidei."

I was the one chuckling now. _Aunt_ _Deidei_ huh? I was going to have to use that one... The fucking pyro... 

She beamed ta the fact that she'd made me laugh, and started fidgeting, mistaking my reaction for wanting to play with the saftey object.

"I think I can reach it."

"No, leave it there."

"Why?"

"Cause you're not fucking supposed to touch it." I said, hating myself for sounding like a kid.

"No one said we can't."

Devious little fucker. Damn it all if she wasn't growing on me.

"I'll get it for you if you'll shut the hell up. " Really, what could she do? I didn't know how to work it, she didn't know how to work it, the worst she could do is dress it up and play house. Isn't that what kids do with random crap?

"You owe me so much quarters."

"I'm gonna shove your quarters up your-"

"Fourteen!" She interrupted.

"That one doesn't fu-erm.. freeking count! I didn't say it!"

Jashin save me she was dragging me into her games.

Before she could argue I crawled over the the edge of the table, If I was really quick I could grab it without Itachi noticing. He'd come over here and yell at me, then yell at me even more for having little what's-her-face back here hidden behind tables.

Sexuality be damned, people jumped to conclusions.

Peeking around the corner, I sent out a thankful prayer to Jashin as I found him busy taking pictures. Poor guy, he looked miserable. I be he wanted a cigarette just as bad. Fuck that blonde bitch, fucking asshole. Let him have a damn smoke.

Quickly and quietly as I could I straightened up and snatched the saftey equipment, nearly diving back down behind the tables. She was smiling ear to ear as i tried ungracefully to crawl back over to her using only one arm. Knowing my luck this thing would explode if I accidentally dropped it, and we would find out later that some terrorist replaced it with TNT.

"You're like a spy!"

"What?" I said, situating myself back into a cross-legged seated position and cradling the extinguisher in my lap.

"A SUPER spy! Is that what you do? Is that why you're so pretty?"

Damn kids are easy to impress. All I did was grab a damn fire-extinguisher.

"Here, now shut the hell up until I can leave, kay?"

"Make it work."

"Hell no."

"Why not? Spray some of that white stuff."

"Oh Jashin Kid. Shut up. Seriously. You need help." I said, shoving the thing into her lap.

"I know so make it work." She said, looking at the tag attached to it.

"I mean you need to quit saying weird shit!"

"You're the one who keeps saying naughty words."

"Well  _you're_ making sexual innuendos!"

"What's that?"

"IT MEANS YOU'RE BEING WEIRD!"

"I'm not weird!"

"Yes you are. What kind of normal fucking little girl would rather hang out with me instead of other little girls her age."

She stared at me, obviously deeply hurt even though I really hadn't said anything mean. Fucking baby.

"Fine." She said, standing up suddenly and tossing the extinguisher to me. And of course, the little pin came out and as it hit my leg that cold ass foam shit suddenly exploded out the nozzle.

I shouted after her, but she was running away, the little fucker. Damn it, I knew it, I  _knew_  she was gonna get me in trouble stupid little bitch.

I struggled desperately to get the stuff to stop spraying, getting it all over me and the carpet and the wall and the tablecloth, But the stupid handle was stuck down and I couldn't get it to release.

"FUUUCK!" I heard myself whine, just before I heard other people start to shout. Suddenly Itachi was there trying to get it to shut off, pointing out how stupid I was and how he couldn't leave me alone for ten minutes and how I was irresponsible and this and that and blah blah blah.

I get it, I fucked up. But really, it's not my fault.

"I'm gonna fucking rip your head off you albino fuck!" Deidara screeched, vaulting over the table. I screamed and chucked the still spraying can at Itachi and scrambled to get away, slipping and getting covered in that ice cold foamy crap. It's not that I was  _scared_  of Deidara, but.. the bitch was ALWAYS packing. Say whatever you want, but being blown up fucking hurts.

He landed on my back and grabbed my hair, pushing my face down into the foam and screaming insults at me. Behind him Itachi was shouting something and maybe trying to get him off, I don't know, I couldn't tell seeing as I couldn't breathe or see or feel my skin.

A wave of sweet relief washed over me in the form of warmth, at least it was relief for a second, and then it was burning my flesh, and I realized the stupid fucker had blown me up again. As I wrenched my eyes open I saw a number of things, and for some reason couldn't stop laughing like a maniac.

Itachi and Dei were wrestling, Itachi screaming about just wanting a cigarette and Dei squealing about how his day was ruined and he'd never get it back and Sasori's mom wasn't here and I was dead meat. A few other people were trying to drag them apart and were yelling as well, someone else had grabbed the fire extinguisher and was now putting out the flames from Deidara's bomb. All the kids had come in from their banishment and were playing in what was left of the foam mess, throwing it at each other and sliding around on it.

There was a woman in front of me screaming that someone needed to call 911 and that I was going to die. I tried to tell her to fuck off but all that came out was a gargle. Looking down to see the fresh blood leaking down my chest explained why.

Yea,  _now_  they treat me like a human being. Good fucking thing I'm immortal huh? Maybe they'll think twice about being nice to me.

And that stupid little girl was standing across the room with a look of such horror on her face that I couldn't help but smile and give her a thumbs up.

She'd make a great little Jashinist, causing death at such a young age.

-o-

I'd blacked out for awhile after that. But when I woke up I was at home in my own bed, all wrapped up in bandages.

"KAKUZU!" I immediately yelled, or more like croaked, seeing as I barely made a noise. I winced after bringing my hand up to find a heavily bandaged neck. That fucking blonde terrorist blew my throat out!

Son of a  _bitch._

My phone buzzed, and after quite a bit of failed attempts, I rolled myself over and grabbed it off my nightstand.

Itachi ; You are UNBELIEVABLE.

Luckily enough for my my thumbs were functioning, so, chuckling to myself, I rolled back onto my back and replied.

Me; maybe if you give me a cigarette. whore.

Itachi; I hate you

Me; You looooove me.

Itachi; suck my coooock

Me; Hey. If he didn't want trouble he shouldn't have fuckin invited it.

Itachi; he wants to kill. you.

Itachi; and me too.

Me; He'll get over it

Itachi; Hope so. Also, you pay for damages. and apparently you owe his neice like $4.25 or something. gambleing with children? nice hida.

Me; THAT LITTLE CUNT IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT ALL

Itachi; uh huh. see you later.

Me; Later?

Itachi; Yeah, I'm bringing you your cigarette, and some vodka. And we gonna have a real party.

Me; ...I love you.

Itachi; Shut up Hidan

**Author's Note:**

> BAAAAHHH omg why did that take so lonnngg. Ugh. Okay so sorry, I couldn't for the fucking life of me think of a decent ending for that. So, that's what you get.
> 
> Hope you liked it and now Fluffy can GET OFF MY ASS! Cause it's done and I promise I'll get started on your Kisaita fluff soon.
> 
> Damn, I'm just not in a fluffy mood.
> 
> Anyway, heh, please reviiieeww and favorite and follow me if you enjoyed. Pretty much all my stories are rediculous like this. Not saying they're all the same cause I try pretty hard to keep the variety in there, but... they're kinda all the same. xD Even though not really...
> 
> SEE YA NEXT TIME!


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